I realize that you recently celebrated your 52nd Birthday, and although I was not there to indulge myself in the celebratory libations, I took a few moments to reflect on the deep pain that you inflicted upon my heart nearly two years ago. Everyone loved you because you seemingly had it all: Money, fame, talent, a beautiful ranch in the desert and a sea side home in Encinitas. Your irresistible charm impressed the multitude of people in your life; particularly the young ladies…But I knew the truth more so than anyone else. Was it not enough for you to tell me that I was pathetic and had nothing to show for 33 years of human life? Was it really necessary for you to tell me that I was a useless human being? Did you really find it amusing calling my Mom at 4:00 in the morning, drunk, to tell her that you never loved me and only stayed with me because you were afraid I would kill myself? I never did find that wiry two inch piece of black hair on the tip of your ear attractive, but I tolerated it. I cooked and cleaned for you and entertained your friends. I believed your lies and ignored your snide comments about my family. I even pretended to enjoy waking up next to you each morning with your head resting on my shoulder, your mouth wide open and a waterfall of drool streaming down my chest. You always told me that if I ever went insane, you would kill me. I did go insane, possibly because you made me go insane. But what is most impressive, after you told me to get the fuck out of your life, the insanity withered by the way side. I believe that one day you will remember what you did to me and perhaps once and for all everyone will have the opportunity to see the real you that I willingly subjected myself to. Sadly, when you are finally faced with your truest self, you will be too old and possibly too insane to do anything about it.

Best Regards,

Glad I made it out alive!!!

Yes, boy. You will always be just a boy. You will never amount to anything because you are too lazy to live life. You’re 26 and still living at home and still working on the MA you started before I broke your heart, graduated, moved, earned my Master’s, and fell in love with a man who actually has goals and will work to achieve them.

No one liked you when we were together. I mean, you buy your pants on eBay because you prefer those heinous JNCO pants that were ridiculous even when they were popular in the 90s. That combined with the fact that you are a completely self-righteous, arrogant prick who lives in film and can only converse in movie quotes and melodramatic bombast. Every gesture you make has to be over-the-top and suffocating. I started hating you about five months before I left, probably after you got drunk by yourself watching Friday the 13th movies on Friday the 13th. So drunk that you were sick the next day. Great job. The thought of you makes me cringe. Your only redeeming quality is your family. They are amazing, and I send them my regards.

I could go on about the scenes you made when you showed up everywhere I went after we were done. I could tell you how all of my friends cheered when I told them it was over (finally). However, out of the goodness of my heart, I will just say that at least you are a nice enough person, for the most part, but that’s about it. Is that how you want to be remembered? As a kinda nice guy who didn’t do anything? Well, don’t worry. I don’t think of you that way. I simply think of you as a mistake.

Cheers!

-E

P.S. After we broke up, I f**ked your best friend.

It occurred to me lately…well, for a while now, that you are this different person.  Someone I dont even recognize.  I am not the only one who feels this way.  Several of your “friends” think you are a dick right now.  I imagine that if the guy from six months ago met the guy that you are today, the old you would hate the new you.  You have become selfish.  You have become someone I am surprised I wanted to be associated with.  Or that anyone wants to be associated with.  You used to be fun.  Charming.  You were a friend to people.  You wanted to do new and fun things.  Music.  New places.  all of that.  And now, you have become this unrecognizable frat boy clone.  You lost all of your substance in such a short time, and frankly I feel bad for you.

I have been trying hard to resurrect a friendship…and frankly, I dont think it is worth it when the other person does not want the same thing.  If you dont want to be in my life, which you have made abundantly clear, than I wont stand in your way towards your new asshole life.  Go ahead.  Become that very person you used to despise.  I was foolish to think you could be someone better.

So, I wish you good luck.  With all of your endeavors.  I hope you find your way back to the guy we all used to know and love.  I hope you figure out that it wasn’t me or anyone else that made you that person..that is who you were.  I thought the break up was the best thing for you, and you would grow somehow.  Maybe that is why you have become so cold and angry and fucked up.  Life goes on dude.  You are better than that.

So this is my goodbye.  Maybe I will see you around, but I really dont care to.  Maybe years from now we can try being friends again, but right now i am doubting it will be worth it.  I dont need this stress.  Nor do you.  But you bring it upon yourself.  If you could have just stopped treating me like I was nothing…well, that is nor here nor there.

It was good (most of the time) while it lasted.  I have some great memories with you in the last few years, and I will try and look back upon it all with good spirits.  I dont want to remember you like this, but unfortunately, for a while…I will.

You treat the people who care about you the most like they are worthless…and that wont get you anywhere in life.  stop pushing people away.  You will only end up with a sad lonely life.  I hope that doesnt happen.

Love,

Misstheoldyou

I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t wish you ill, and I’m glad you’re marrying

someone who isn’t me, but stop trying to engage me in a conversation. We have

nothing in common. We had nothing in common when we were together, and while it

made some small sense to try and ignore that while we were living together and in

denial about our future romantic potential, there’s no point in pretending now.

Leave. Me. Alone.  Scratch that. Just stop emailing. You can continue the banal Facebook posts.

You may have professed that being nice is more important than being interesting, but

most of your friends were giant assholes. And what kind of person doesn’t like

pets? I should have run when you told me you never wanted a dog.

One more thing. Your writing was bad. I wanted so much to like your work, to call

you talented, but the stories were boring, the characters were dull, and I’m glad I

don’t have to lie anymore.

Sincerely,

I Love My New Dog

You are the dumbest person I have ever met. Constantly asking me how to pronounce words was annoying and not cute. You have a masters! I only have a degree, you reminded me of it all the time. For someone who obtains a masters you are dumber than a sack of crap.Remember that time I laughed because the baseball team you like made a terrible play? I do, and I also remember how you refused to talk to me because that was “rude”. Grow a pair! It’s a baseball team! I also thought you were a homosexual when I met you. I should have gone with my gut on that one. Get a life, get a job that does not allow you to wear gym shorts to work. Don’t come crying to me and claim you got hit by a car (If you really got hit by one, I am sure you would not be able to call me). Don’t have your mom call me and cry to me on a voice mail asking why I didn’t call her to tell her you got hit by a car. What the hell was that all about? Didn’t you use a phone to call me? Can’t you use that same phone to call your own mom? I still don’t get that.I should have gone with my first instinct… Gay.

Sincerely,

Not sorry I laughed when I played the voice mail for my friends… I cheated on you!