Yes, boy. You will always be just a boy. You will never amount to anything because you are too lazy to live life. You’re 26 and still living at home and still working on the MA you started before I broke your heart, graduated, moved, earned my Master’s, and fell in love with a man who actually has goals and will work to achieve them.

No one liked you when we were together. I mean, you buy your pants on eBay because you prefer those heinous JNCO pants that were ridiculous even when they were popular in the 90s. That combined with the fact that you are a completely self-righteous, arrogant prick who lives in film and can only converse in movie quotes and melodramatic bombast. Every gesture you make has to be over-the-top and suffocating. I started hating you about five months before I left, probably after you got drunk by yourself watching Friday the 13th movies on Friday the 13th. So drunk that you were sick the next day. Great job. The thought of you makes me cringe. Your only redeeming quality is your family. They are amazing, and I send them my regards.

I could go on about the scenes you made when you showed up everywhere I went after we were done. I could tell you how all of my friends cheered when I told them it was over (finally). However, out of the goodness of my heart, I will just say that at least you are a nice enough person, for the most part, but that’s about it. Is that how you want to be remembered? As a kinda nice guy who didn’t do anything? Well, don’t worry. I don’t think of you that way. I simply think of you as a mistake.

Cheers!

-E

P.S. After we broke up, I f**ked your best friend.