I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t wish you ill, and I’m glad you’re marrying

someone who isn’t me, but stop trying to engage me in a conversation. We have

nothing in common. We had nothing in common when we were together, and while it

made some small sense to try and ignore that while we were living together and in

denial about our future romantic potential, there’s no point in pretending now.

Leave. Me. Alone.  Scratch that. Just stop emailing. You can continue the banal Facebook posts.

You may have professed that being nice is more important than being interesting, but

most of your friends were giant assholes. And what kind of person doesn’t like

pets? I should have run when you told me you never wanted a dog.

One more thing. Your writing was bad. I wanted so much to like your work, to call

you talented, but the stories were boring, the characters were dull, and I’m glad I

don’t have to lie anymore.

Sincerely,

I Love My New Dog