February 2012
23 posts
4 tags
Dear Mateo
How dare you. We met at Pride. I liked you a lot and I “intrigued” you.I thought I could trust you. Two amazing dates. One around the Flat Irons and one around the metro area. A picnic was a very nice touch. Too bad you would never call me again. Or even text. You just stopped calling me after the club. We had a great time and that’s it? You said you were a tease but I...
4 tags
Dear Light Bright
We met at a wedding. You said it yourself, this was so cliche : ) But, I felt something I had never felt before … like a magnet inside of me was pulling me toward another human being – you. It just felt natural for me to be playful with you, to tell you my deepest secrets and desires, to just simply be with you. It was a magical experience. Gift number one from you.
And then you broke my...
5 tags
Dear Long Lost Love
Even though I know you are happy in your new life, I can’t move on. You were my first love, and it would seem I am completely unable to love someone else. I date others, and they never measure up to you. They are never as funny, and quirky, and charming, and ambitious as you.
I know the breakup was my fault. I lost my job, I was a mess and you couldn’t stand by and watch me make an even...
4 tags
Dear Jason
When I told you I wasnt in love with you…you called the secret service on me telling me that I was printing off counterfit money off of my 40$ computer printer! You made such an ass of yourself but they still came to question me anyway. Stupid me after a month forgave you..next fight you involved and lied to my kids…I didnt speak to you for a month…then I felt sorry for you because you seem like...
4 tags
Dear Reality Check
When we met, for the second time, you were everything I thought I wanted. We shared the same music taste, same dreams, same hatred for the customers at our minimum-wage paying jobs. You wore cozy plaid flannel and your apartment housed mismatching tea cups with outdated advertisements. To me, you were perfect.
And then we dated, and I discovered that perfect did not exist. I was okay, we were...
4 tags
Dear Douglas J
Ever since I was bitten by the stingray, things have been looking up. I found a very nice, handsome and driven individual. You are that person. You are kind, understanding and wonderful. Your personality gravitates people to you.
Unfortunately, I want you all to myself and this is something I cannot have. Experiencing what life has to offer is a good excuse but I am one experience that you will...
4 tags
Dear Ruined My Life
I don’t really understand how you are the one who cheated on me, but you feel compelled to ruin MY life because I broke up with you? And some might say I am being over dramatic, but in one month, you have made my life pretty hellish.
1. You emailed my boss, and told her I was stealing from work, and that you felt compelled to tell her? I was fired on the spot, and am now entering a legal...
4 tags
Dear Hates My Family
I am sorry that you don’t have a family, I really am. I am sorry your dad is a deadbeat douchebag, and your mom hasn’t been a factor in twenty years. My family is great, and you spent the last two years making me feel embarrassed and bad about them. You constantly commented on how nosey they were because they called every day. I stopped picking up because you made me feel so f-ing bad about...
5 tags
Dear First Crush
There was something so mysterious about your curly hair. Mounds of brown curly hair crawling up to the sky. My frizzy 80s perm was no match for your amazing hair. I remember staring at it all day, as you sat in front of me throughout 4th grade. You were the class clown, and the fastest kid in our class. You were never It when we played tag. Your short little legs flew across the playground,...
5 tags
Dear First Kiss
Sebastian
–“Seb” for short.
5th grade.
You were the new kid at school.
Who looked like the lead singer of Oasis.
And was good at soccer.
In the last row of the movie theater, you kissed me.
So wet.
And tongue-y.
You tasted like an Icee.
Our mouths made smacking noises—
like someone eating a banana—
gross.
Which I said outloud.
6 tags
Dear Fragile Ego
Remember that day when you awkwardly asked me how your penis compared to other men’s penises from my past, and how I told you it was a perfect size and sort of hinted that you were well endowed with out actually saying you were. And then remember how your pranced around for a good month with this knowledge, and continued to make me comment on it when we were in bed because it made you feel...
6 tags
Dear You Made Me Fat
I was a beautiful size 4 when we met. We courted for several months and I realized I had grown into a size 6. My wedding dress was a size 8. Two years later, i’m pregnant, but manage to get back into a size 8 a few months after the baby. Then you started drinking more and more and wouldn’t come home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Then sometimes, not at all. I was home with our baby and all I could...
4 tags
Dear Groper
I recently saw you driving down by the country club, and quite honestly, I can’t believe they still employ you. Apparently your former reputation as some amazing chef warrants you to keep your job, no matter how many waitresses quit and complain about your behavior. Your F-ing popularity from the F-ing 90s still impresses the senior citizen population that crowds into your restaurant every...
4 tags
Dear Waste of Time
I want the last four years of my life back. I want all of that time back and I want you to have never been apart of it. I waited patiently with you for four years, thinking things would get better and we would take the next step – and you ended it with saying, “Yeah, I don’t think I want to get married or anything. I am not into this whole long term relationship.” Really? Because just six...
4 tags
Dear Dan
We were together for 6 years in which the last 2 years were the worst, You put me through hell constantly complaining and bitching about everything, you would have thought it was my 3 teenagers that stressed me out but it was you a 45 yr old man who has never been married or had kids. When you were unemployed you sat in our house on MY computer all day not helping out with anything around the...
4 tags
Dear Edward
What I don’t understand Edward is why after 6 months of sleeping with me, telling me you want to see more of me and getting jealous of other boys, is how you could just forget me almost overnight. So it was ok for you to call me when you wanted to see me but when i did it i was being too clingy!
You upset me so much when I text you that night saying “who is this?” and when i replied you never...
4 tags
Dear Boy of Babcock Hall
I want to say that I am sorry, sorry that I could not demand, that I was too niave, too young to articulate what it means to be man, what I should have demanded from you. I lived across the hall from you. We were friends, I think. I watched you from the lounge. You walked up the stairs; I could hear you coming. You took your shirt off, wrapped it around your neck, stood by the water fountain and...
4 tags
Dear Redhead (née Brunette)
Darling,
In 1965, Theodore Sturgeon, real-life inspiration for Kilgore Trout, wrote a letter to friend and fellow science fiction luminary, Harlan Ellison, concerning Mr. Ellison’s devestation over a failed marriage. The following massively interesting series of words were included in said letter: “You have cause for many feelings, Harlan: anger, indignation, regret, grief. Theodor Reik, who has...
5 tags
Dear Nice Guy
One of my biggest regrets in life was breaking up with you. Well, not the actual breaking up, but the reasoning behind the breakup. I said you were too nice, and you said, “I’m sorry.” Much like you responded to everything. I’m sorry you have a headache sweetie, I’m sorry the food isn’t warm enough, I’m sorry I didn’t do this or that or ANYTHING. It was taxing. And yet, having had so many...
4 tags
Dear Inept
You are emotionally inept. You are inept and horrible in so many ways beyond that, and yet, I don’t hate you, because I blame myself for putting up with you for so long. For years you continually got worse and worse in your treatment of me, and when it came down to it, my heart was so weary and bruised that it took all of me to leave. And now I find myself picking up the pieces from my former...
5 tags
Dear Human Resources
If you are the head of human resources, and conduct employee reviews, and determine salaries, and scold employees for not acting ethically, then don’t you think it’s just a tad ironic that you, the head of human resources, is sleeping with both the IT guy AND the president of the company??? I actually don’t care who you screw but as an HR representative, you cannot possibly hold your employees to...
4 tags
Dear Disgusting Italian Swine
To the disgusting pile of shit Italian swine who is my former employer:
Let’s be frank: I am the reason your shit idea of a contemporary/traditional Italian restaurant ever survived its first year in the East Village. I was the first server you ever hired. I had seven years of solid serving experience. I knew Italian wines like I know my own name. I was a dream of a server and every patron was...
6 tags
Dear Old Man Jim
I realize that you recently celebrated your 52nd Birthday, and although I was not there to indulge myself in the celebratory libations, I took a few moments to reflect on the deep pain that you inflicted upon my heart nearly two years ago. Everyone loved you because you seemingly had it all: Money, fame, talent, a beautiful ranch in the desert and a sea side home in Encinitas. Your...
January 2012
21 posts
4 tags
Dear Cruella Da Ville
You fired me.
No, first you tortured me, harassed me, belittled me, made fun of me, talked down to me, lied to me, didn’t pay me, betrayed me, and in general, made my life complete and utter hell.
THEN you fired me.
I actually liked that job…before you came along. And I was good at what I did. Really good. In fact, I was better at your job then you were. Everyone there liked me. I liked me. You...
4 tags
Dear Liar
I am sure you want an explanation as to why I wont answer your phone calls or emails or anything. Well, because you aren’t worth my time anymore. At all.
You told me, and tell others that you are this perfect guy who has zero skeletons in the closet, when in truth, you used to be an absolute slut. I found out just how slutty you were when one of your friends was drunk, and just happened to slip...
5 tags
Dear Love Lost
I should have gone with you. I should have just quit my job and sublet my apartment, and I should have just followed you to Arizona. You know that I am not one to take risks, and the idea of leaving my life just to be with you seemed too much like jumping out of a plane without having checked the condition of my parachute. I couldn’t reason with the idea, and instead I watched you go and you...
5 tags
Dear Girl
You feel poorly about how our relationship ended? You mean, you did not enjoy it? How the hell do you think I felt? You went from, ‘I love you,’ to silence with no rhyme or reason… then, the first time I catch you on the phone you tell me that you have been dating someone else for a month. What you are feeling now is shame for being a coward and not telling me, say, when you started F^%$ING...
5 tags
Dear Argues Too Much
It’s funny how you always complained about how annoying your brothers were, especially when you argued. Funny, because you behaved the same way toward me. You loved to push buttons, and pick stupid fights, and yes they were over stupid things. Then when we would argue you would tell me my point of view was stupid! Really? You would also try to tell me what I was thinking and what I was going to...
5 tags
Dear Anonymous
Do not worry. I hold no hard feelings. I hold no feelings. And even if I did hold something, like your silhouette, say, it has been so long that I can’t even remember your name. You never called. And this is the only reason I still think of you at all, the fact that you are a blurred reflection… and fading.
Sincerely,
…..
4 tags
Dear Lost Love
I saw your wedding picture today. The happiness in your eyes was greater than it ever was with me, and I congratulate you on your enduring love. I wish it could have been me, but I know that was not in the cards for us.
I saw the movie Good Luck Chuck a few months after we broke up. I never thought that I would become him. You are now the seventh of my eleven exes to get married to my successor....
6 tags
Dear Boy
Yes, boy. You will always be just a boy. You will never amount to anything because you are too lazy to live life. You’re 26 and still living at home and still working on the MA you started before I broke your heart, graduated, moved, earned my Master’s, and fell in love with a man who actually has goals and will work to achieve them.
No one liked you when we were together. I mean, you buy your...
5 tags
Dear Boy
Go. Away.
I’m so tired of you. You haunt all my memories. You haunt all my aspirations. Isn’t it enough that you ruined me for those long months of deceit, but now you have to haunt me into the future??? I’m strong enough to be pissed that you still have this power over me…it has more to do with the fact that you were my life for years. I’m used to you. You’re a bad habit I’m trying to break.
I...
5 tags
Dear Changed
It occurred to me lately…well, for a while now, that you are this different person. Someone I dont even recognize. I am not the only one who feels this way. Several of your “friends” think you are a dick right now. I imagine that if the guy from six months ago met the guy that you are today, the old you would hate the new you. You have become selfish. You have become someone I am surprised I...
5 tags
Dear Boy
I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t wish you ill, and I’m glad you’re marrying
someone who isn’t me, but stop trying to engage me in a conversation. We have
nothing in common. We had nothing in common when we were together, and while it
made some small sense to try and ignore that while we were living together and in
denial about our future romantic potential, there’s no point in...
4 tags
Dear Silent
I know we said we should make a clean break. No phone. No email. No contactwhatsoever. I know that is what you wanted. But I still feel compelled, every day and night, to say something to you. Like an itch I can’t scratch. I feel like I need to talk to you. I can’t stand not knowing what is going on in your life. I don’t know if you have met someone else or not by now, but I don’t care. Your idea...
6 tags
Dear Idiot
You are the dumbest person I have ever met. Constantly asking me how to pronounce words was annoying and not cute. You have a masters! I only have a degree, you reminded me of it all the time. For someone who obtains a masters you are dumber than a sack of crap.Remember that time I laughed because the baseball team you like made a terrible play? I do, and I also remember how you refused to talk...
4 tags
Dear Not Beautiful
You are not as hot as you think you are. No one who is beautiful needs that much makeup. And, despite what your “Mommy” and “Daddy” think. You are not always right. You are usually dead wrong. Whining and crying about it doesn’t make you right. It makes you dumb. The smell of your hair products make me gag. Your feet are boney and bizarre. You should never wear flip flops, and yet you do....
4 tags
Dear Not Funny
You are not funny. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that when we were together. You really are not funny. You never made me laugh. And I think of this now, and wonder how it is possible that I could have stayed with someone for so long who is not funny. You have a complete lack of childlike wonder, whimsy and magic. Remember that time when your brother stripped off his clothes because he...
4 tags
Dear Boy
I watched her swimming in the lake, in the rain, the water dark and frothy, like the clouds. From the window, I watched her arms lift up and out, as if she were waving off the boat beside her…
You didn’t track my movements anymore or look up at me from the couch, your body like autumn’s rain-soaked tree trunks—heavy.
You were losing me, and I knew that you’d let it happen.
…
You got over me...
4 tags
Dear Stalker
Hey, remember how we only went on a few dates, and I said it wasn’t going to work out, and you seemed fine with that? Remember that? And remember how right after that you started driving past my house, and calling me whenever I wasn’t home? Yeah. And remember when I told you that just because I slept with you, it didn’t really mean anything?
Well. Stop. Please. You embarrass yourself. I don’t...
6 tags
Dear Girl
We were fifteen when we fell in love. I didn’t think it was love then, but now I know different. It has been ten years and I still think of you when I look at the lake, and the water is turquoise, and I remember how you said it looked painted. I heard you were back in town through my mom. Back living near by, and all I want to do is call, or send you an email, but I am afraid you wont want to...
6 tags
Dear Selfish Prick
I never wanted to date you in the first place. You wore me down and finally got me to concede…by being a seemingly nice, caring, and smart individual. Come to find out, that was all an act. You’re actually a selfish prick, I’m an idiot for thinking you were anything but. I hope you’re miserable for the rest of your life, like you seem to want to be. Be miserable, be your dad, be a drunk, and end...
7 tags
Dear Would Be Ex
I’ll call you my would be because you certainly could be and maybe should be but can’t be. You are my friend and I love you, and I know you’ve had some difficult times…I don’t want to be another for you. I know that with one word I would be in love with you and maybe I already am. So, for now I choose to lament the relationship that can never be. After years of imagining what if, I think it...
5 tags
Dear Burn In Hell
Earlier this year, while using the laptop you bought for me, one of the things I thought was “If he breaks up with me, at least I`ll have a new laptop.” I felt bad about it, but it was a real thought. How is that love? It’s a good thing you did end it, because nobody deserves to be in a relationship where one is thinking that kind of thing. Not even you. Your penis isn’t 6 inches btw, like you...