It’s funny how you always complained about how annoying your brothers were, especially when you argued. Funny, because you behaved the same way toward me. You loved to push buttons, and pick stupid fights, and yes they were over stupid things. Then when we would argue you would tell me my point of view was stupid! Really? You would also try to tell me what I was thinking and what I was going to say next, so it made me think why the Hell did I need to be there, you could just fight with yourself! Also, there was no way to really resolve the situation, if I tried to defend my point of view it was stupid or you’d talk for me. If I gave up just to shut you up, you hated it and would say I was treating you like a baby. If I would walk away or even walked out, you told me I was a hot head who couldn’t handle arguing. But really I was just trying to get you to shut up! I’m not your sister or brother, don’t argue with me the same way! I am not stupid, nor are my opinions! I can fend for myself, very well in fact, if you would just shut up for a second to listen you’d see that!

On a side note: no, gay people did not choose to be gay, are not going to hell and are not perverts and yes I will always be their friends!!!! Also, the government has no right to tell a woman what they can and cannot do with their bodies and neither do you! Whewww!

Do not worry. I hold no hard feelings. I hold no feelings. And even if I did hold something, like your silhouette, say, it has been so long that I can’t even remember your name. You never called. And this is the only reason I still think of you at all, the fact that you are a blurred reflection… and fading.

Sincerely,

…..

I saw your wedding picture today. The happiness in your eyes was greater than it ever was with me, and I congratulate you on your enduring love. I wish it could have been me, but I know that was not in the cards for us.

I saw the movie Good Luck Chuck a few months after we broke up. I never thought that I would become him. You are now the seventh of my eleven exes to get married to my successor. At least I can indirectly give you joy to make up for all the wrong I did to you.

Mr. Good Luck

Yes, boy. You will always be just a boy. You will never amount to anything because you are too lazy to live life. You’re 26 and still living at home and still working on the MA you started before I broke your heart, graduated, moved, earned my Master’s, and fell in love with a man who actually has goals and will work to achieve them.

No one liked you when we were together. I mean, you buy your pants on eBay because you prefer those heinous JNCO pants that were ridiculous even when they were popular in the 90s. That combined with the fact that you are a completely self-righteous, arrogant prick who lives in film and can only converse in movie quotes and melodramatic bombast. Every gesture you make has to be over-the-top and suffocating. I started hating you about five months before I left, probably after you got drunk by yourself watching Friday the 13th movies on Friday the 13th. So drunk that you were sick the next day. Great job. The thought of you makes me cringe. Your only redeeming quality is your family. They are amazing, and I send them my regards.

I could go on about the scenes you made when you showed up everywhere I went after we were done. I could tell you how all of my friends cheered when I told them it was over (finally). However, out of the goodness of my heart, I will just say that at least you are a nice enough person, for the most part, but that’s about it. Is that how you want to be remembered? As a kinda nice guy who didn’t do anything? Well, don’t worry. I don’t think of you that way. I simply think of you as a mistake.

Cheers!

-E

P.S. After we broke up, I f**ked your best friend.

Go. Away.

I’m so tired of you. You haunt all my memories. You haunt all my aspirations. Isn’t it enough that you ruined me for those long months of deceit, but now you have to haunt me into the future??? I’m strong enough to be pissed that you still have this power over me…it has more to do with the fact that you were my life for years. I’m used to you. You’re a bad habit I’m trying to break.

I dream about meeting you in 5 years and you’re miserable and I’m at the happiest point in my life and I get an unhealthy amount of joy dreaming about twisting the knife in you. Making sure you’ve been miserable ever since you left me. You were miserable when you were with me, though, so it’s pretty hard to top that. But that wasn’t my fault. I want you to be miserable because of me, not because you’re an immature coward.

I’ve had a new lover.  I got into grad school. I’ve already lost 17 pounds since you left me crying that late May night. I carried so much extra weight because of you(figuratively and literally). I want to wash myself clean of your stench, of your foul influence. I want to laugh at how stupid I was when I loved you. I want to see your picture and think, “oh, that pathetic cad.” I’m almost there, I think.

It only hurts every once and awhile, when I remember that you’re with her and I’m alone. Even though I’m a better person than you. Even though everyone loves me and hates you. Even though I was honest and loyal and loving and caring and you were petty and hateful and a cheater and a BIG FAT LIAR. I’m alone and you’re with her.  I can’t help but hope you’re just as miserable with her as you were with me. I hope she’s horrible but you’re too stupid and co-dependent to realize it yet. I hope she gets worse with time.

I hope I haunt you too. I hope all my vitriol that day I confronted you with the truth you so ineptly attempted to hide was seared into your memory. I hope you burn with the shame that you caused me when I found out. I hope you fall into a painful relapse every time you think about how much of a bastard you really are. I hope you think of me when you’re with her. I hope your life feels more empty with your pale imitations of our life.

And most of all? I hope you know you deserve it.

It occurred to me lately…well, for a while now, that you are this different person.  Someone I dont even recognize.  I am not the only one who feels this way.  Several of your “friends” think you are a dick right now.  I imagine that if the guy from six months ago met the guy that you are today, the old you would hate the new you.  You have become selfish.  You have become someone I am surprised I wanted to be associated with.  Or that anyone wants to be associated with.  You used to be fun.  Charming.  You were a friend to people.  You wanted to do new and fun things.  Music.  New places.  all of that.  And now, you have become this unrecognizable frat boy clone.  You lost all of your substance in such a short time, and frankly I feel bad for you.

I have been trying hard to resurrect a friendship…and frankly, I dont think it is worth it when the other person does not want the same thing.  If you dont want to be in my life, which you have made abundantly clear, than I wont stand in your way towards your new asshole life.  Go ahead.  Become that very person you used to despise.  I was foolish to think you could be someone better.

So, I wish you good luck.  With all of your endeavors.  I hope you find your way back to the guy we all used to know and love.  I hope you figure out that it wasn’t me or anyone else that made you that person..that is who you were.  I thought the break up was the best thing for you, and you would grow somehow.  Maybe that is why you have become so cold and angry and fucked up.  Life goes on dude.  You are better than that.

So this is my goodbye.  Maybe I will see you around, but I really dont care to.  Maybe years from now we can try being friends again, but right now i am doubting it will be worth it.  I dont need this stress.  Nor do you.  But you bring it upon yourself.  If you could have just stopped treating me like I was nothing…well, that is nor here nor there.

It was good (most of the time) while it lasted.  I have some great memories with you in the last few years, and I will try and look back upon it all with good spirits.  I dont want to remember you like this, but unfortunately, for a while…I will.

You treat the people who care about you the most like they are worthless…and that wont get you anywhere in life.  stop pushing people away.  You will only end up with a sad lonely life.  I hope that doesnt happen.

Love,

Misstheoldyou

I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t wish you ill, and I’m glad you’re marrying

someone who isn’t me, but stop trying to engage me in a conversation. We have

nothing in common. We had nothing in common when we were together, and while it

made some small sense to try and ignore that while we were living together and in

denial about our future romantic potential, there’s no point in pretending now.

Leave. Me. Alone.  Scratch that. Just stop emailing. You can continue the banal Facebook posts.

You may have professed that being nice is more important than being interesting, but

most of your friends were giant assholes. And what kind of person doesn’t like

pets? I should have run when you told me you never wanted a dog.

One more thing. Your writing was bad. I wanted so much to like your work, to call

you talented, but the stories were boring, the characters were dull, and I’m glad I

don’t have to lie anymore.

Sincerely,

I Love My New Dog

I know we said we should make a clean break. No phone. No email. No contactwhatsoever. I know that is what you wanted. But I still feel compelled, every day and night, to say something to you. Like an itch I can’t scratch. I feel like I need to talk to you. I can’t stand not knowing what is going on in your life. I don’t know if you have met someone else or not by now, but I don’t care. Your idea of no contact is not fair. You can’t spend four years with someone and expect them to just disappear. Can you?

I really don’t believe that you never want to see me again. It isn’t like we had some horrific break up. There was no cheating. No yelling. Just a parting of ways, and now I can’t even say hello? It has been five months, and I still can’t go a day without thinking about what went wrong, and whether we could have fixed it. Now I will never know. Now neither of us will never know, because we can’t talk to discuss it.

Love,
Wishing You Weren’t Silent

You are the dumbest person I have ever met. Constantly asking me how to pronounce words was annoying and not cute. You have a masters! I only have a degree, you reminded me of it all the time. For someone who obtains a masters you are dumber than a sack of crap.Remember that time I laughed because the baseball team you like made a terrible play? I do, and I also remember how you refused to talk to me because that was “rude”. Grow a pair! It’s a baseball team! I also thought you were a homosexual when I met you. I should have gone with my gut on that one. Get a life, get a job that does not allow you to wear gym shorts to work. Don’t come crying to me and claim you got hit by a car (If you really got hit by one, I am sure you would not be able to call me). Don’t have your mom call me and cry to me on a voice mail asking why I didn’t call her to tell her you got hit by a car. What the hell was that all about? Didn’t you use a phone to call me? Can’t you use that same phone to call your own mom? I still don’t get that.I should have gone with my first instinct… Gay.

Sincerely,

Not sorry I laughed when I played the voice mail for my friends… I cheated on you!

You are not as hot as you think you are.  No one who is beautiful needs that much makeup.  And, despite what your “Mommy” and “Daddy” think.  You are not always right.  You are usually dead wrong.  Whining and crying about it doesn’t make you right.  It makes you dumb.  The smell of your hair products make me gag.  Your feet are boney and bizarre.  You should never wear flip flops, and yet you do.  Every day.  Diet Coke is not a healthy alternative to coffee, despite what you tell people.  Just because you can make yourself believe something, doesn’t mean it is fact.  Reality television is not real life.  The people on the shows are not your friends, so stop talking about them as if they are.  Your girlfriends are dumber than you, but I put up with them because I, for some dumb reason, actually loved you for a while.  Two of them have severe eating disorders.  One of them thinks that Martin Luther, and Martin Luther King Jr. are the same guy.  She also thinks that Winston Churchill was one of our presidents.  It is tragic.  I said I was breaking up with you because I needed more space.  That was a lie.  I broke up with you because I was sick of your whining every day about everything.  And then you told people you broke up with me because I was a closet alcoholic.  But, oh, right, you are always right, right?  Just ask your “daddy.”

Sincerely,

Itotallycheatedonyou

You are not funny.  I don’t know why I didn’t realize that when we were together.  You really are not funny.  You never made me laugh.  And I think of this now, and wonder how it is possible that I could have stayed with someone for so long who is not funny.  You have a complete lack of childlike wonder, whimsy and magic.  Remember that time when your brother stripped off his clothes because he thought there was a bug crawling around in his underwear, and it turned out to be popcorn?  That was hilarious.  You didn’t even smile.  Your cynicism and general hatred for just about everything emits from your pores.  It stinks, like the lack of deodorant that seeps into your faux-worn t-shirts.  You carry yourself like you matter, and you haven’t accomplished anything important enough in your life to matter.  You are a mooch, a liar and a guilt factory.  I always felt guilty for liking normal things when I was around you.  Those things you called conformist and lame.  I like them.  I don’t care who knows it.  I like dumb stuff.  It makes me happy.  Those constructs you have built of what is not conformist are ridiculous.  You spend so much time trying not to conform, and in the end, you are just like every other hipster in this town.  Skinny jeans and fake distressed shirts.  Your furrowed brow isn’t as hidden beneath your glasses as you think.  We all see it.  You were lucky that you had someone like me who at least tried to look past your inadequacies.  You were lucky that I stood by you when no one even wanted to be your friend.  Your depressing nature brought everyone down, and yet I still stayed.  And you broke up with me?  You broke up with me over the books I read and the shows I watch and the music I listen to?  Really?  Really?  That was your reason?  Well, at least I can laugh about that now, because I have a sense of humor.  And you are still just not very funny.
Sincerely,
FunnierThanYou

I watched her swimming in the lake, in the rain, the water dark and frothy, like the clouds. From the window, I watched her arms lift up and out, as if she were waving off the boat beside her…

You didn’t track my movements anymore or look up at me from the couch, your body like autumn’s rain-soaked tree trunks—heavy.

You were losing me, and I knew that you’d let it happen.

…

You got over me in Milwaukee—despite every corner inciting a memory of us.

I just moved away.

Months later, back on the familiar streets, I felt the difference between leaving and moving on.

It was so hard for me to see you in that town where I only knew you as mine.

…

A year passed. You called and told me you missed me. But you didn’t even know me anymore.

I knew that if I were to see you, I’d only recognize that we once knew each other.

…

You continued to call. And I continued to hold back. I wanted so badly not to feel “it” again.

…

For awhile, I told myself he was just a nice guy but that we’d never go anywhere. Then something clicked on—the light inside me warmed. I felt it again. And not with you.

…

So here we are, years and miles apart—different people loving different people—finally happy.

Hey, remember how we only went on a few dates, and I said it wasn’t going to work out, and you seemed fine with that? Remember that? And remember how right after that you started driving past my house, and calling me whenever I wasn’t home? Yeah. And remember when I told you that just because I slept with you, it didn’t really mean anything?

Well. Stop. Please. You embarrass yourself. I don’t take kindly to stalking, and these activities will not inspire me to think of you as someone I want to date. Ever. You aren’t as cool as your think you are, nor as handsome. It is getting out of hand, and I would really just like to pretend like we never met.

With Regards,

Sickofseeingyourcargoby

We were fifteen when we fell in love.  I didn’t think it was love then, but now I know different.  It has been ten years and I still think of you when I look at the lake, and the water is turquoise, and I remember how you said it looked painted.
I heard you were back in town through my mom.  Back living near by, and all I want to do is call, or send you an email, but I am afraid you wont want to see me.  A lot has changed, and I am not certain you would be able to love me like you did back then.  I bet you are still beautiful and delicate and wonderful.  You were always so beautiful.  Even in the third grade when you permed your hair and it was all frizzy and big.
If I had only not listened to my dad.  If I had just gone to the same college to be with you.  We could have stayed together, or at the very least, given it a shot.
Maybe we can still give it a shot, and spend days walking alongside the painted lake.  I would love that.
Love always,
Stilllovesyou

I never wanted to date you in the first place. You wore me down and finally got me to concede…by being a seemingly nice, caring, and smart individual. Come to find out, that was all an act. You’re actually a selfish prick, I’m an idiot for thinking you were anything but. I hope you’re miserable for the rest of your life, like you seem to want to be. Be miserable, be your dad, be a drunk, and end up marrying a weak-willed woman you can control like your dad controls your mom. You’re definitely not the hero you pretend to be. You’re just a coward. You could have saved face and told the truth, but you never did. You took the pathetic, selfish way out, but I’m glad you’re gone. God help you if I ever see you again.